Vineri, Iunie 22, 2007, 01:58 AM 

My (corporate?) crusade
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Just like old times... Very old times...Centuries ago...I started my own crusade....Even if I am not a conqueror but rather a victim. I am not running an empire trying to conquer new lands. I am rather alone in a Romanian corporation, fighting with the shadows from the country communist past and suffering. I am injured in this crusade, but it is not a sword that started my bleeding. It is rather a heartless girl met in my former corporation that broke my heart.

I am not coherent. It does not make sense what I say. I know it. A long time ago, it did. Sometimes, things happened just like it should. Sometimes, people were people, trying to help each other and to live better. Sometimes, fate was something not unreachable. Sometimes, the years of love were not something that can be denied in just one day.

My crusade began two months ago. The pain was already overwhelming. I couldn’t stand anymore. I couldn’t stand anything. Everything began being confused. I couldn’t stand the evilness, the excessive pride, the richness of deception, the grey surrounding me from everywhere.

Two months ago I realized that things are completely beyond my control. It was Easter and memories with “the Spotless Mind” justifying her absence with a Maslu were all over. I had realized that I am useless even for my job. I was being surrounded by idiots. It was quite odd, considering that my previous jobs offered me mainly shrews, evil and cruel people, but not stupid people.

The sad thing was that I did not care. I couldn’t find the strength to get over and to humiliate them by obvious surplus of knowledge and deficit of age. I was looking to a fixed spot waiting for a white fairy to bring my inspiration back. My mind was empty. My mind was just like their minds, even if they had been like this since they were born.

Everything started when I tried to obtain something from the most communist and stupid person in all the corporations I had been: the bookkeeper that called herself accountant. She replied that she does not want to give me anything unless I address the issues to her Manager. That annoyed me. It was not my intention to become a spammer. Why should I return into the past and address any issue to all the organization to obtain something immaterial? I did my job independently but I promised myself to get revenge. She should go away. I promised to myself that I’d make her leave.

Soon after this, a new challenge appeared. On a rainy day when all my thoughts were with the Spotless Mind, who celebrated her birthday, someone showed me that a day can be worse than a nightmare. The “smarty” from IT tried to make his point, in his usual rude and dirty manner. He had a lot of guts, he accused me of non-implying and he blame me for all his incapacity to hire good people. I added him on the top of black list.

Later, a tragedy happened. It was Sunday and I was lying in the bad trying to explain the unexplainable. Suddenly the Messenger began blinking. It was one friend announcing me that the only one person that helped me in the last period has died. I could not believe it. Life was playing games. More than this, Raluca was not yet buried when all the idiots began to yell on the radio, TV and newspapers, saying all kind of evil and untrue things meant to put them into the light.

I was trying to kid myself that my life has a little sense....that I need to start this crusade against agony. I committed to destroy the bookkeeper and to throw the “smarty” out of corporation. I committed to remove the bad things that kidnaped Raluca away from us and that splashed her memory. I was decided to find a way to forget the Spotless Mind. I established even a deadline: 1st of July.

It had no sense. It was clear that I could not do anything. Everyone was against me. I do not overreact. Ok, I re-phrase it. I replace “everyone” with “only one person”. I replace “against me” with “not with me”. Does it change the meaning? No. Because she is ALL...because being against me or not with me IS THE SAME. I have nothing. Would I have satisfaction if the bookkeeper will be deported to (let’s say) Saudi Arabia? Would I be happy if the “smarty” is fired with no compensatory rights? Maybe I would....for a minute. Will the happiness exist without her? No way.

There is only one sure thing. I cannot live without her..... This means that either I live with her...either... I don’t live anymore.... in this environment. It seems that she refuses to explain her attitude, her unexplainable actions. Even if it is a little hard to move away from family and friends (do I have some?), I will pack my luggage and leave on a small island, as I said. In fact, this is the place where all failed crusades end.

This was my faith. Maybe there is a chance to take everything from the start in a completely different environment. I will miss this blog for sure. I don’t know if I will write again. I hope that everything will be ok and that I will have no reasons to attack again on this blog. Maybe I will begin a new and positive blog. Maybe I will still be overwhelmed by pain. Whatever, my ship was destroyed in this crusade. Maybe the time will be the wind blowing my ship to a new shore or to the bottom of the ocean.


Comentarii

  1. dracu

    man, never be a looser. :)

  2. mihai

    Hi.
    I've started to read your blog couple of month ago and I could say that it was quite inspiring to see someone describing the corporate environement "from the inside" , talking about real people, with real thoughts.
    It was refreshing to see someone who's willing to share facts and experiences with other people without using the usual "corporate boolshit".
    I'm working for a weird German corporation and it seems things are always the same.

    In the end, one advice:stai pe aproape... :)>-


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